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Animated Atrocities 98/Transcript
Well, this is surprising. I expect Nickelodeon to fuck up this badly, I expect Cartoon Network to fuck up this badly, not usually Disney. Disney failures are usually far and few in between, and when they do come up, they usually aren't that awful. They're just meddeling and awkward, except Mars Needs Moms. That should have never been greenlit. On top of that, Disney tends to fail in one particular way: whenever Disney tries to rip off someone else, they will almost inevitably bomb. They wanted to make Shrek, they ended up making Chicken Little. ''They wanted to make ''Ren and Stimpy, they made Shnookums and Meat, ''and when they tried to make ''Breadwinners, they ended up making Pickle and Peanut. I've got a zen question to ask: someone fails horribly. Someone else tries to fail in that exact way, but ends up failing accomplishing that. Who is the bigger failure? Disney, you're getting too old for this shit. Do you ever wonder why the only time you're not relevant is when you desperately try to be? You've had over half a century to stop doing this. Maybe I can figure out the answer as we look through one of your bigger mistakes. If you guys thought that Fish Hooks was bad, you're in for a ride. (Cut to the ''Darkwing Duck opening theme)'' Singer: Let's get dangerous. Remember in the eighties and nineties when Disney put a lot of effort into making sure their theme songs were timeless, and that we'd still remember them today? Back then, they didn't try to hit any sort of popular genre, or anything. With the exception of Goof Troop, they didn't really use slang either. Then, there's this... (Cut to the ''Pickle and Peanut ''opeining theme) Singer: Sharks, swords, yogurt, kicks. Fries, smartphones, hot tubs, yeah. Is this a theme song, or some kind of four-year-old's shopping list? Singer: ...bagels, grills... Oh, no. I'm sorry, but anyone who's old enough to know what that word means is too old to be watching this show. Amazing how fast you've screwed up. Singer: Pickle and Peanut, Pickle and Peanut... (Clip from ''Whatever Happened to... Robot Jones?) Huh, so that's whatever happened to Robot Jones. He got a job singing on a theme song that's thirty years out of date. Also, I thought that they weren't allowed to use that voice anymore because of copyright infringement, or something. You'll notice very quickly that this show uses Photoshop images. This is a stupid trend that needs to die. ''Pickle and Peanut takes it an extra mile, and is the first show to have them as the main characters. This is a bad idea, because it frequently requires animation to distort them, and make the effect look even uglier than it normally is. Our two main characters actually have a real job working at a grocery store. Pickle: (on intercom) ...clean-up on isle one, two, one-two, one-two-one-two... (begins beat-boxing) And now, they don't for abusing company property. In reality, they decide they need a bigger audience and get called in by the boss. He tells Pickle and Peanut to go around and give free samples of... Spoonicorn cereal. Because two douchebags being terrible at their job and magically still having said job is popular, they find a way to screw this up. They grab a super soaker and a motor cart and begin assulting people. That effect is just awkward and stupid. Then, they see a random guy having a party, ask if they can go and get punched into the zit cream. Then, they hide in their secret base made of packs of diapers. I don't know what they're trying to do, but I'm fairly sure that it's not working. (Over footage from ''Shnookums and Meat) That's the thing with Disney, whenever they try out a gross-out show, they still don't wanna be gross, so they try to get as gross as possible without being gross at all. And that... doesn't make anyone happy. It doesn't go far enough for the people who like gross-out, and goes too far for the people who don't. I mean, if you remove all the gross-out from ''Mega Babies, it still wouldn't have a reason to exist. And because Pickle was covered in zit cream, he ends up getting a zit on his ass... called Greg. Please tell me how that works, somebody. Not the zit saying "Greg" over and over again, I don't-I don't give a shit about that. Pickle was covered in zit cream. How the hell does he get a new zit?! Also, yes. Both "pickles" and "peanuts" are euphimisms for... male special parts. Halfway sure that was intentional. Peanut: What's your name? Zit: Greg! Pickle: I'm a mom! (Over footage from the ''Sanjay and Craig episode "Fart Baby") Why is it that bad cartoons have such a facination with m-preg? I mean, at least ''Fish Hooks had an excuse, but every other time, it's just confusing as fuck. Is that, like, a really popular fetish? A fetish that's been really popular, and there's been a resurgangce recently? Peanut: ...dandelions at Jason's house, then we're gonna go skinny dipping at the old folks' home! Yeah, TMI, dude (Caption: I don't know how love works) Girl: Ooh, who's your little friend? He's adorable! Peanut: (whispering to Pickle) We've got a real lady magnet here. Yes, the pimple on your ass! What do you even say to that? You see that woman staring at Pickle's ass? If that pimple wasn't there, then this probably wouldn't be allowed on network television. Why the fuck Disney had anything to do with it, I have no idea. Still think that this show isn't trying to be like Breadwinners? ''Here's a rule of thumb when writing for kids: ''(Over footage from ''The Day My Butt Went Psycho) If you feel that you have to resort to butts, then you've probably failed somewhere else down the line. So, the woman takes a picture of herself and Pickle's ass. I feel like this is the start of a PSA on sexting. '''Jock': Remember when I punched you into that zit cream and you guys looked like a couple of slippery ghost wieners? We're just gonna use every single euphimism for "dick" in every episode, aren't we? Anyway, this guy offers to let Pickle and Peanut perform at the party if he can borrow Pickle's ass-zit. That looked like it probably should've hurt. In the car, they talk about being, like "all deep" and shit. Peanut: Look, we're not gonna be wild, free, and dumb forever. (Clip from ''The Lion King) Yeah, being, like, seven years old still gives you the excuse for adolecent stupidity and selling your integrety for peer pressure, right? Wait... '''Peanut': ...be old, and fat, and boring. (Over clips from ''Gravity Falls...) Making lots of money, making good products that people want to see, ''(...followed by ''Star vs. the Forces of Evil...) directing the market instead of following it, ''(...and ending with ''Wreck it Ralph) being the highest aspiration of the industry. '''Peanut': One day, you'll be in traffic, thinking "what if I done this, and what if I done that?" (Clips from ''Shnookums and Meat) But you already ''did do this, in the nineties! It was called Shnookums and Meat! It didn't work then, and it certainly not going to work now! As someone who's currently going through an existential crisis, I understand the desire to want to do everything, ''but this isn't a new thing. In any sense of the word. '''Peanut': We're not gonna live a world of "what ifs"! Together, we'll take on this crazy world... By trading your zit that made you think that you were a parent to go to a party hosted by some guy who assulted you and made you cry? I don't know what that is, but that's not adolecent stupidity! That's not existential confusion either. The first thing they decide to do is go look for Greg in a scene that goes absolutely nowhere. Pickle: He's about... this tall, and he has a drooly mouth... Greg... never drooled once in the episode. I mean, if you want him to be disgusting, make him be disgusting. Show, don't tell. It's like someone saying that they shoplifted at the convenience store without ever doing it just so that they'd look cool in front of their peers. Except that person is the teacher of the classroom! Pickle: (nervously) '' Face! Foot-foot-foot face! YOU HAVE A FOO-FOOT FACE!!! Yeah, and you're a fucking pickle! '''Jock': Oh, and I'm keeping Greg forever! (a woman takes a selfie with the jock and Greg) Oh, that's gonna get so many likes! I don't understant the internet sometimes... or all of the times. So, Pickle and Peanut load a super soaker with Spoonicorn cereal and zit cream, but that makes the zit grow even bigger! What the hell is even in that cereal?! Heroin. Oh, that makes sense. Greg becomes a giant and eats the party jock. Jock: My shirt! IT'S DRY-CLEAN ONLY!!! I've only heard that joke, like a million times. I don't ever remember it being funny. Peanut: What is it, pal?! Pickle: What's up with the headband? You don't even know how to play tennis! "Ooh, look at me!" You know, episode one is probably the worst episode to start talking about how stupid your character designs are. (Cut to Champion Horse) Who the--Who--Who the fuck are you?! Yes, the pilot is supposed to introduce more characters, but not like this. I'm just gonna call him Deus Ex Machina! (Champion Horse appears to be urinating to put out an orphanage fire, then turns around, revealing that he was actually using a hose) Uhh... Yeah... Why does this look like some bizarre drug deal? I don't just mean this scene, I mean--I mean the whole fucking show. Pickle is about to have a sweet moment with Greg, but then Peanut kills him and everyone gets covered in zit goo. Peanut: You saved my life! (they dance) In what form of the word?! I'm just going to assume that they're in such denial that they've begun to hallucinate. Pickle: Pickle and Peanut!! (beatboxes) Next episode's better! (Cut to Aku from ''Samurai Jack) '''Aku': Hmmm.... (cushes a pleading man in his hand) 'NO!' "Pickle and Peanut" is owned by Disney. Credits song: Gregory Horror Show OST - HOPE Thumbnail art by Autokrator I'm just gonna go back to... that thing I was doing. Category:Animated Atrocities Category:Season 4 Category:Transcripts